Thinking Out Loud

How has mindfulness practice increased your self-compassion? This was a question posed by Tara Brach today in our dharma talk. Mindfulness has given me objective vision and observational wisdom. I no longer judge people, situations, emotions as good or bad, I just observe. By observing, I realize that anger, sadness, frustration, laziness, happiness, joy, pleasure, pain, and all other emotions and experiences are universal. They are part of the human experience. There is no need to ascribe a label such as "good" or "bad" to our experiences or people. Just observe, investigate, nurture, accept, allow, and perhaps even embrace. It is what it is. How do we stay mindful? Practice. Just as a muscle becomes stronger through lifting weights, or cloth becomes saturated with color in proportion to the number of times it is dipped in dye, so too it is with our ability to stay mindful. We must train for it is natural to be loving, compassionate, kind, non-judgmental, etc. w...

Dan Kennedy just talked about his principle of the swift sword which means you should never chase sunk costs. Instead, you should cut your losses swiftly and move on to more productive endeavors. I found it interesting how he applied the principle of the   swift sword to relationships in his  No BS Guide to Time Management .  I agree that if a relationship no longer serves you, you should move on. Would applying the principle of  the swift sword result in more divorces? How many people are chasing sunk costs in their marriages? Does the fact that you've already invested so much time and energy into a relationship, keep you there long after you should've left? Would it portend a national disaster if everyone left their significant others the moment they realized it wasn't a great fit? Furthermore, is it really so easy to know when you are chasing sunk costs? How many times has something appeared hopeless only to have it turn out alright? What if you pul...

I'm no expert on relationships except when it comes to my own. There are many relationship theories out there and I have come up with my own relationship laws.  Here are just a few: 1) I am responsible for the quality of my relationships. 2) I only maintain relationships that are positive, productive, and profitable. 3) I teach people how to treat me. I'm okay ending relationships. I now live by the mantra of "I love you, but I love myself more." I am okay being alone. In fact, I prefer solitude to sociality. It is not selfish to want alone time nor is it selfish to make and keep appointments with yourself. It is your responsibility to speak up for what you want and need in a relationship. Assertiveness is essential if you want to avoid miscommunications and misunderstandings. I was programmed to suck it up and serve in relationships and I am still unable to express what I want, initially. I'm working on being straightforward and expressing my need...

Okay, I'm still working my way through the No BS Guide to Time Management and loving it. When Dan Kennedy said that those who are habitually late lack integrity, I initially felt it was a bit harsh. But now that I think about it, I hate when people make me wait. I am a busy person and it disrespects my time to be kept waiting. I have been late to many things before, but I am always on time for important meetings. That just goes to show that we show up for the things we value so if someone is habitually late when working with you, they don't value you nor themselves. If they valued you, they'd respect your time and if they valued themselves, they wouldn't make a commitment they couldn't keep. They'd exercise integrity and show up on time or not accept the appointment in the first place. My current boss is punctual. I value that. I respond in kind. One of my friends is habitually late. I notice I respond in kind. I don't bother showing up on time as I kno...

I just started Dan Kennedy's No BS Guide to Time Management   and it's a fun read. I'm actually going to make this post short so I can dive back in. Basically, what is your time worth? It is your most valuable, non-renewable, asset. Do you hold it sacred? Are you adequately protecting it? I don't want to become militant about my time, but I do want to be straightforward with those who waste it. I am going to not feel bad hanging a sign on my office that says "Do Not Disturb," or "Send me an e-mail please." That way I can avoid unnecessary interruptions. I love the idea of limiting personal access to once daily or once per week. If you tell people that they can have 15 minutes at the end of your day to discuss their itemized list or that you will go over all their questions in a 20-minute call at the end of the week, those people will be more thoughtful in crafting their emails, texts, calls, etc. And if they know they can't disturb you all...

I just finished a touching, powerful book When Breath Becomes Air.   That title meant nothing to me till the end. I knew its meaning when Paul took his last breath. Death. Why is it so feared? Is it because no one really knows what comes next? I think so. We can speculate. We can believe. But who knoweth for sure what happens after breath becomes air? I can see why people cling to religion. It provides an answer about the afterlife. It may not be true, but it can be comforting. Who really wants to believe that this is it? It seems so final. So unfair to those who are taken early. But what is early? Is there any promised amount of days allotted to man? I think not. So why should any feel robbed? Time is a gift? Those who are granted more time, are they the lucky ones? Is it the depth of life, or the breadth of life that which we should use as the measuring rod for a life well lived? And, by the way, who is to say what makes a life well-lived? Paul's reflections took me on a...

Why would anyone want to practice staying with pain? This was a question raised by another student in my mindfulness teacher certification program. He was specifically referring to the pain that comes from sitting on a meditation cushion for an extended amount of time. "Why not just move? Isn't it stupid to sit in pain when you can so easily obtain relief?" Sounded reasonable to me. Jack Kornfield wisely responded, "We practice sitting in pain because there may come a time when we cannot move." There is value in painful practice. That which we persist in doing becomes easier for us to do.  This lesson beautifully coincided with a lecture I listened to later in the day by Seth Godin. He spoke about the importance of training. For a person who has not trained, running a marathon is a painful endeavor. For those who practice and train, a marathon becomes less painful. In fact, those who practice and train find them rewarding enough to do multiple ma...

How has mindfulness helped you deal with pain? Mindfulness has taught me to recognize my feelings and name my pain. It has always been easier for me to recognize and deal with physical pain vs. mental/emotional pain. I am an athlete. Pushing through pain, ignoring it, or increasing tolerance for pain has been part of my daily life. No pain no gain, right? Over the years, I have developed a high physical pain tolerance. I can breathe through intense pain and even relax into it. I have learned that physical pain will pass--or at least its intensity will ebb. Mindfulness has helped me transfer my physical pain skills to my emotional/mental pain skills. I am getting better at sitting with and through mental pain. I can send myself love and compassion when the feelings are intense. For me, self-compassion is to mental pain as breathing is to physical pain. I'm still learning how to best apply these skills when it comes to the pain of others. How can I best support others bett...

I know I should optimize my titles for search, but since my titles are part of my art, I cannot compromise. You see, I love a title that is clever and nuanced. For today's post, I vacillated between "Write it Out" and "Right it Out." Both have a meaningful application. Through writing, I come to know what is right for me. And as I discover additional rights in life, I return to my pad and write it out. It's a beautiful, self-reinforcing cycle. I was texting with a dear friend today and she confessed her lack of confidence in certain areas of her life, particularly regarding her decision to leave her faith culture. We were both raised in the same religion by devout parents, and this past weekend our church held one of its large conferences. I didn't even remember that it was that time of the year and I was busily engaged at a work conference in a distant city. I have no idea what was covered in their sessions and I can honestly say, I do not care. Sh...

I had a dear friend and family member reach out the other day concerning my departure from the faith. I appreciated her loving concern. I referred her to my previous post entitled Holy Treason to bring her quickly up to speed. She read it and replied,  " Hey Janelle thanks for letting me read that; I see what it means to you. Either it's the curiosity in me or the therapist but I am interested to know the "road to the unraveling of your faith". I hope you are able to navigate this "being not on the same page" time with your husband as it appears you make one another happy." To which I replied: Yes, the "another article for another day"... I should probably write that as I wrote this summary blog post one year after my decision to no longer actively participate in the church. I spent considerable time journaling my journey along the way and notating the insights that "opened my eyes." Have you ever read the works of Wayne Dy...

I couldn't decided whether to title my post  happy patience or  happy patients? I've been thinking about both this week as my daughter recovers from her recent ski injury. Our family went skiing at Snowbasin on Sunday. It was my very first time skiing and I was so excited to have my children teach me. Sharee lent me her ski gear and they took me down Needles for my very first run. Needles is a Blue Diamond and it wasn't terribly frightening, but I will admit I felt out of control. Fortunately, I spent an hour the day before watching youtube tutorials on how to carve, stop, and ski like a pro. I also had the opportunity to ride down the bunny hill upon arrival as we parked on the road and hiked over to the lodge. I fell on my butt going down a hill from the parking lot and struggled to get back up. Thank goodness youtube showed me how to do that as well. I found that it's much more difficult to stand up on skis on flat ground than it is when you crash on ...

A dream of mine is finally becoming reality. I have long desired to help rehabilitate people in prison. I don't agree with prison as punishment. I believe prison should be a place of healing, introspection, growth, education, and change. I want to shut the revolving prison door. There are many ways I've dreamed of doing this. First, and foremost, I want to focus on prevention. A wise man once said, "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure." And since "hurting people hurt people" we must intercept those who are "at-risk" so they don't continue down the path to incarceration. How can we possibly intervene? There isn't "one" way to do this. My ideas center around activity. I want to create after-school and summer programs where kids can interact and belong in a safe, stable, loving place. It would look like an open gym. I see myself helping children discover their unique talents, interests, and gifts. I wrap them in love...

I don’t know if you’re like me or not, but I was born into the one and only “true” religion of God. I spent my entire life studying and living the principles and teachings of my faith. I knew the doctrine, and I believed it to be true. Until I didn’t. The road to the unraveling of my faith is a rather long one—definitely another article for another day--but suffice it to say, I began studying other religions and realized that all of them contained beautiful truths. I felt as uplifted and inspired while reading their scriptures as I did reading mine. I understood why some referred to religion as a “faith culture” for I was now aware that had I been born and raised in a different religion, I’d have believed that religious tradition to be true. I came to see religions as merely vehicles leading us back to God. Surely God didn’t care whether his children drove jalopies or Jaguars so long as they were moving along the superhighway back to Him. Or could it be her? Or perhaps there wasn’t ju...

I really enjoy my kids. I was going to write "I love my kids," but that's not as remarkable as realizing you actually enjoy being with and doing stuff with them. Yesterday, we spent the entire day together. We woke up, ate breakfast, and headed to the Backcountry store to get some climbing shoes. It just so happened to be Black Friday so we secured some killer deals. We then headed to the Front Climbing Club in SLC where we climbed for over 3 hours. It was so fun to watch my kids scale walls and work together as lead and belay. Then we picked up some groceries at Sam's Club, pizza from Little Caesar's, and watched a sappy teenage love story. We were all bawling at the ending and somehow that turned into a tickle fest. We closed with a discussion on the power and purpose of relationships. I should write about it one day. I'm grateful that I enjoy my children. I'm grateful I see them as equals and not as others to rule over. I am constantly amazed at th...

Happy Thanksgiving! Having one day a year where you focus on what you are grateful for is good, but for me, living in gratitude daily, is better. Did I inherit gratitude or learn it? I have no desire to engage in that debate. I'm just grateful I'm grateful. I was reflecting this morning on my newfound beliefs, or perhaps my recently discarded beliefs, and I realized that if I had to choose one changed belief that that has most dramatically changed me, it would have to be my belief that people are good. Yep, I no longer believe in Satan or sin. And even though I don't believe the Bible to be any truer than any other book, I do love how the author had his God declare all his creations "Good."  No one is evil. Yes, some people commit horrible, nasty acts, but not because they are evil, but because they are not well. Hurting people hurt others. This realization is far more empowering than believing that some people are simply corrupted. We can help heal hurting...

Today was full of fun reinforcements and revelations. I belong to a private Facebook group of former Mormons and there is always interesting information being shared. I enjoy reading the experiences of other members and I find comfort in knowing I'm not alone. This weekend several members of the community shared posts about an email they have received from the church asking them to complete a survey on why they left the church. Here is what one member shared: Did anyone else receive a survey by email today from the church? I guess I’m still on their mass email list. Normally I would have just deleted it, but it said if I filled it out I would get a $10 Amazon gift card, so I decided to hurry and complete it. 😂 😜 It had some general factual questions, but then it asked some deep hard questions. Basically, it is trying to figure out who and why people are leaving the church and what they can do to prevent it from happening even more.  They are trying to see if t...