Thinking Out Loud

I just finished a touching, powerful book When Breath Becomes Air.   That title meant nothing to me till the end. I knew its meaning when Paul took his last breath. Death. Why is it so feared? Is it because no one really knows what comes next? I think so. We can speculate. We can believe. But who knoweth for sure what happens after breath becomes air? I can see why people cling to religion. It provides an answer about the afterlife. It may not be true, but it can be comforting. Who really wants to believe that this is it? It seems so final. So unfair to those who are taken early. But what is early? Is there any promised amount of days allotted to man? I think not. So why should any feel robbed? Time is a gift? Those who are granted more time, are they the lucky ones? Is it the depth of life, or the breadth of life that which we should use as the measuring rod for a life well lived? And, by the way, who is to say what makes a life well-lived? Paul's reflections took me on a...

The title is Coming Home for two reasons: 1) The kids and I have been singing Thomas Jefferson's coming home. . . from Hamilton  all day and that is what was running through my mind as I sat down to write. 2) I feel like I'm coming home after spending a week away from my daily blog. My mind has been itching to puzzle out some of my deep thoughts on digital paper. :) I'm going to break my thoughts into daily posts even though I didn't write them daily. They are definitely ideas I've been ruminating upon all week. I'm going to cover psychedelics and tripping, death, dehumanization, belonging vs. fitting in, Braving the Wilderness, Desire, Be Here Now, and Vibrations. Buckle up baby, I'm coming home!

I just had a thought today as I was on my walk. I was thinking about last Sunday when Tyler and I decided that our sign--after his passing--would be a quarter. You see, one of my favorite songs that Ty's band, Nine Spine Stickleback, sang was about a quarter, an alien space ship, and a call home. Everytime I see a quarter I will think of Tyler and I told him to leave quarters in random places for me to find so that we can continue to communicate with each other. And then today as I was walking a guy came skating by me on his longboard and I thought of Tyler and how he gave me my epic longboard for my birthday. My mind was then flooded with all the things that remind me of Tyler such as kites, diabolos, juggling balls, pristine hair cuts, classic toys,  CrossFit, rowing, burpees, shoulder presses, Italian food, Italy, pizza, pasta, KickFire and so much more, and my mind screamed, "Don't confine me to a quarter!" A quarter cannot contain all the ways Tyler will cont...

Today we found out that Lindsay's tumors have spread. Considering I spent the evening before with Tyler as he winds up his epic life, I found it no coincidence that I had bookmarked a blog post by Tim Ferris on The Shortness of Life.  The thoughts shared by Seneca express these sentiments: It is not that we have a short space of time, but that we waste much of it. Life is long enough, and it has been given in sufficiently generous measure to allow the accomplishment of the very greatest things if the whole of it is well invested In guarding their fortune men are often closefisted, yet, when it comes to the matter of wasting time, in the case of the one thing in which it is right to be miserly, they show themselves most prodigal.   You will hear many men saying: “After my fiftieth year I shall retire into leisure, my sixtieth year shall release me from public duties.” And what guarantee, pray, have you that your life will last longer? Who will suffer your course to be ju...

Today I was able to stop in and visit Tyler Seamons. We had a great chat and I left contemplating The Duties of Death. Essentially, accepting death helps us embrace life. Rebecca and Tyler have started doing everything they've always wanted to do as they've realized their time together is running out. There won't be many more tomorrows, and their "someday"(s) are limited. They are living completely in the now because now is all they have. Want to know what I find interesting? We are no different than Tyler and Rebecca. Death is coming for each one of us too. In fact, we were born to die, and each day our death gets closer. The reality of mortality is such that we all will die and most of us won't get a warning. Most of us won't get the "heads up" that our time is almost up so that we can hurry up and start living. In this regard, Tyler and Rebecca are blessed. They get time to wrap things up. Close things down. Plan a funeral. Take family pictu...

I had a Shaken Baby Board meeting yesterday and after the meeting I decided to swing by and see the Seamons. I have been thinking about them and wanting to stop by. I wish it were easier for me to maintain contact with Ty, but things aren't the same. And that's okay. But it has been a journey for me to become okay with it. Up until recently, I was sad about how things are so different, but now I realize everything is as it should be. Life has a way "flowing," and we should just go with the flow. Rebecca and Tyler were emotional. They had just received their MRI results. Tyler's tumor is growing. He has less time than originally predicted. The docs say he'll be gone before Christmas. We talked about death. He's ready and not afraid. I'm glad to hear him say that. I was equally glad to hear Rebecca feel brave too. I know Tyler will be fine. He's a damn fine soul. I would say I'm going to miss him, but I already do. I feel that I lost him a lo...

Page told me during breakfast this morning that President Thomas S. Monson passed away last night. The realization that a great soul had left this mortal life washed over me. I wanted to pay tribute to him today so I decided I would take his framed picture with me to work and set it aside a lighted candle. It would be my way to acknowledge the illuminating affect he has had in my life and the life of so many others, as well as signify that his light lives on. Here's how it looked:   I moved him throughout the day so that I could always see him. I also spent some time reading some of his most beloved quotes. I felt his presence and my love for his great soul increased. Some of the quotes I shared with others throughout the day include: Decisions determine destiny Your future is as bright as your faith   Search inward. Reach outward. Look heavenward Never postpone a prompting We can't direct the wind but we can adjust the sails It's always b...